I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm too high and old for this...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
