i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
