Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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