Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
