My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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