Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
