Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
