Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
