I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
