for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
