From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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