i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
