I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
