Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
