youre lurking in front of me
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
