I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
