if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
