Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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