I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
