Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
