So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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