She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
