I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
