Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
did i just pee glitter
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