Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
