Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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