Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
