I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
