shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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