i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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