FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
