can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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