I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
