FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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