I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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