wrigley field is MILF paradise
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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