the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
