I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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