she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
