the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize