What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
