he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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