God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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