just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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