I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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