Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sorry my hands just texted you
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
