i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
