Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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