You can't motorboat a personality
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
