she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
